In these articles on psychological type, we have been looking at the differences between partners in romantic relationships. Do some couples have all four preferences the same? Do couples that have all four opposite preferences even get together, or marry? Which of the four pairs of preferences are the most difficult for a couple to cope with?
About 10% of couples have all four preferences the same. Life is a lot smoother for them as they can understand where their partner is coming from. The downside is that there is not very much excitement in the relationship. Rarely do these couples go for marriage counselling. One counsellor stated that he hadn’t seen any. Another counsellor said she had seen very few. Occasionally, they do divorce but that is rare.
About 5% of couples are different on all four dimensions. Their lives are much more exciting in that they have had to struggle to adapt to one another’s way of thinking. One of our couple friends are “Betty,” an ISTJ, and “Ed,” an ENFP. Betty is demanding and bossy; Ed is the conciliatory one. Discussions are lively, and we have been known to throw in a topic that we know they will have a great debate about. Beside the endless bickering, there is a deep love between these two, and when Betty in later years has had a serious health challenge, Ed has been there to take over the housework and do the endless fetching and carrying needed to look after her.
It would seem that about 90% of couples have at least one preference that is different and 60% have two or more. Studies over the years have been fairly consistent. It would seem that couples still chose on the basis of love, and the compatibility of preferences falls where it may.
The table below, based on a survey by Dr. Margaret Hartzler of over
2,500 type-aware couples, shows the various combinations of couples. The
data is somewhat biased in that it was heavily weighted with Intuitives
and Feeling decision-makers, as they are more attracted to going to workshops
than other preferences. The Thinking-Feeling scale is the only one that
has a gender difference with men 56.5% for Thinking and only 24.5% of women
for Thinking. This means that most Thinking women tend to marry Thinking
men.
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Relationships are fraught with the Be Like Me syndrome. We assume that everyone is just like us. When others are not like us, we assume they are deliberately being obstreperous. When couples have the opposite preference pairs, they tend to have a mental image of their opposite as lesser forms of life, sometimes endearing but befuddled. Extraverts consider Introverts as party-poopers, while Introverts just wish Extraverts would stay at home more often. Sensing people believe Intuitives are flakey and unrealistic, and Intuitives view Sensors as unimaginative, boring rhinoceroses. Thinkers generally consider Feelers to be inferior beings. Feelers mistrust Thinkers, believing the worst of them. Probably more divorces result from this opposition of preferences than from any other circumstance, without people even being aware of its cause.
According to one couple therapist the Judging-Perceiving opposites cause the most problems. The Judging partner likes to have things in good order and follow a schedule. The Perceiving partner likes to be more spontaneous and is tolerant of a lot more clutter. The Judger assumes that the Perceiver is just too lazy or was never taught properly how to live. The Perceiver views the Judger as an uptight prude. The ironic thing is that their opposite life styles is one of the things that attracted them to each other in the first place. The Judger liked having someone who would suggest wild, outlandish activities. The Perceiver liked having someone put some organization into his or her chaotic life. I am describing extremes here. The preferences of many couples are fairly similar or they have learned to tolerate this opposite behaviour.
Another of our couple friends are both Perceivers, but one has more of a sense of getting things done on time. After putting a bill that needed paying by the husband on top of the pile of bills and bringing it to his attention three times, he still hadn’t got around to paying it. He wasn’t intentionally being irresponsible. It just didn’t register on his conscious mind. As a couple they have had to pay late fees on quite a few bills.
Appreciating the differences of your partner from your own is one secret to a successful romantic relationship.