In this series of articles on children we have looked at the various dimensions of personality. Where do they get their energy: from their inner world or focussing on the outer world? When they look at things do they mainly use their five senses or immediately leap to patterns and possibilities? When they make decisions, are they tough-minded or tender-hearted? The last dimension looks at their lifestyle. Are they more comfortable having things all planned ahead of time or would they prefer to be open to whatever comes up.
We call the structured lifestyle the Judging preference. Children who prefer structure feel more comfortable when they know what’s going to happen. They like decisions to be made ahead of time and then followed. When the family goes on a trip, they want to know where they are going, how long it takes to get there, and what they will do when they get there. They may even make up a list of things they want to take with them in the car. You don’t have to remind these children to bring home their homework. They are more likely to get right at their homework and get it out of the way. ‘Work before play’ is their motto.
Ryan is picked up at daycare every day at 5:30 p.m. Today his mom had an appointment at the doctor for him, so she just rushed into the day care at 3:30 p.m. and told Ryan to hurry up as they had to get to the doctor by four. Ryan started to cry and was very uncooperative about getting dressed and putting his things away. Ryan likes to know what is happening as much ahead of time as possible so he can get used to it. Usually, Ryan is very cooperative and his mother was taken aback by his behaviour. Mother could have handled the situation better by calling the daycare centre as soon as she knew about the appointment and asked the staff to prepare Ryan for the change.
The spontaneous lifestyle relates to the Perceiving preference. These children don’t find making decision easy. They like to keep gathering information and hope that something will happen to make the decision obvious. Often they make passive decisions. Mary was asked by her father if she wanted to go with him when he went shopping. All Mary would say was, “I don’t know.” Dad finally announced he was on his way. After he left, Mary knew she wanted to go but by now it was too late.
Spontaneous children find planning ahead spoils the surprise. Each new day is like an unopened present. Their motto is: ‘Play now. You can work anytime.’ Since most teachers are structured, the bane of their life is the spontaneous child. Structured children need only be told once to do something. They may grumble but they will do it. The spontaneous child will say he will and then keeps putting it off until nagged to do it. They respond to tasks better if the demands are put in the form of a challenge or game. They also like to do things their own way. A parent can demand an outcome but often it would be better to let the children do it their own way. When you ask a child to clean his room, he discovers all kinds of treasures he forgot about, and so he dawdles over his chores. If you are standing at the door watching, you will be very frustrated. Let him do it his way and you go take a nap. Also, the spontaneous child easily gets overwhelmed, so if clean rooms are your priority, then initiating room cleaning more frequently will ensure that the task does not get to be too big of a chore.
It is the nature of children to be more spontaneous than structured, but even at a fairly early age the parent can notice personality differences. Just be aware of what the child naturally does by herself without nagging. Then find creative ways to get the other tasks completed. It is also a good idea to examine what really is important to you. Is it more important for you to have a clean house or to know that your child is out having some fun. With the greater demands made on children’s time, they need time to be just children.
Spontaneous children have a harder time fitting in with the school routine. But it is not just a matter of letting them do whatever they want. That would create chaos for all concerned. The work world tends to be mostly structured and the spontaneous child needs to learn to fit in.
Another factor in the equation is the lifestyle of the parents. Are they both structured or spontaneous? Or one of each? The structured parent is going to be much more demanding than the spontaneous parent. The structured parent has very definite expectations of how the child should behave. Spontaneous parents are more laid back and take things as they come. Children see the spontaneous parent as more fun. Children need to be shown that both kinds of parents care for them but in their own way.