Why would two children react differently to the same situation? A mother of two girls was waiting at the bottom of the stairs to take her daughters to a recital. Nancy was first down and mother noted that Nancy’s bow was a bit crooked and told her so. Nancy just went over to the mirror and adjusted it. Then Melanie came down and her bow was crooked also. When her mother pointed out the problem, she was flabbergasted when Melanie cried, “You don’t love me.”
Children like adults seem to approach the world in one of two ways: as Thinkers or Feelers. Thinkers react and make decisions based on logic while Feelers react and make decision based on values. As a parent you can avoid quite a bit of stress if you figure out where you are coming from yourself, and which of these two dimensions of behaviour your child prefers. (If you have two or more children, you are likely to have at least one of each.)
Children use both Thinking and Feeling but as they develop they tend to focus on one more than the other. In times of stress they usually use their preferred one. When there is a problem and you handle it the right way, it is likely you used the method that is also your preferred one. Since your partner may have an opposite preference, that is why he or she can often deal with another child better than you can. However, if you are aware of your child’s preference, you can learn the strategy that works best with that preference, even if it is not your personal strength.
Thinking children are good at analysing the facts of a situation and can’t resist offering a solution to any problem that comes their way. They are better at explaining a problem than saying how they feel about it. “Why,” is always the first question they ask. (Saying, “Because I said so,” is like waving a red flag at them.) They want to follow the rules and are indignant when someone breaks a promise. If they don’t feel competent in any situation, they can get quite upset; and when they do get upset, the last thing they want to do is to talk about their feelings. Being truthful is very important and they can be rather blunt.
Feeling children are very sensitive and experience strong emotional reactions to anything negative about themselves or others. They need to work through their emotions before they can deal with the problem. Harmony is more important than being confrontational. They may have physical reactions such as stomachaches to negative situations. Even constructive criticism can be hurtful to them. They are concerned about how decisions will affect others as well as themselves. They need to know that people like them before they can perform well.
Jenny came home crying, “Rebecca is moving away.” Her Thinking dad tried to comfort her by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll find new friends.” Jenny stormed off into the house. Dad is standing there wondering, “What did I do wrong?” Jenny is probably a Feeler, at least at the moment, and getting her to express her feelings would have been more helpful. Then she is more open to suggestions, or better yet to some joint problem solving. Maybe preparing for a little going away party would ease the pain over the loss of her friend.
Paul came home from school very angry and almost ready to burst into tears. His mother tried to comfort him by saying, “It’s OK, honey. Let me give you a hug and you’ll feel better.” Paul pulled away and ran outside, yelling, “You don’t understand!” Mom followed after him and asked, “Do you want to tell me about.” With that, Paul told about how he was to have a turn at bat and that some bully pushed in ahead of him; and then recess was over. After he got his story out, Paul calmed down.
With all the variations of Thinking and Feeling situations, it can get complicated for parents. No child is 100% one or the other all the time. Be prepared to go in either direction. Ask your children if they want a hug. If they say no and seem to back away, ask if they would like to tell you about what happened. Often this two pronged approach is enough to get the communication going.