Every child is unique. Any parents with two or more children know that all too well. One problem parents have is the BLM syndrome. BLM stand for Be Like Me. We tend to blame ourselves when the child does not behave in the way we remember we behaved as children. As young parents we assume that our children will be like us, but which one: the father or the mother. This further adds to the confusion.
A common parenting rule to follow is: Be consistent. But what children need more than anything else is to be accepted for what they are. It is like having a variety of house plants. Some need to be watered every day. Others need to be allowed to dry out before another watering. Some need lots of sunlight. Others need to be in a north window. Children too have different needs. That doesn’t mean letting children do whatever they want, but understanding Psychological Type can help parents adjust their parenting skills to accommodate the child’s needs, and help the child develop his or her full potential.
Claire has always been a quiet child. She enjoyed time with her parents but also seemed quite content playing in her room quietly by herself. As she grew older her parents became concerned about her rather withdrawn behaviour and pushed her to greet friends and family when they came for a visit. Claire usually clung to her mother’s skirt and hung her head.
Brian has a very sunny disposition who is always saying hello to people even to strangers in the mall. When his parents have visitors, he runs to the door to greet them and interrupts adult conversations with stories of his own.
Claire likely has a preference for Introversion and Brian for Extraversion. Of course Claire needs to learn to be comfortable with people, but her parents might better let her greet people after she has had a chance to get used to them. Brian needs attention from the guests so that he can talk with them, then later his parents can keep him occupied with serving food, etc. while the adults have some adult conversation.
When we look at the Sensing-Intuiting preferences, we see the Sensing child fascinated by the details of the world around her. She delights in activity and can even be a bit of a thrill seeker. The Intuiting child can seem to be a dreamer with his head in the clouds. He is fascinated by stories about magic and may tell tall tales that sound as if he believed them.
How does your child make decisions? Does she want to know the why of everything before she decides? Is he concerned about how everyone will feel before he makes up his mind? For a girl to have a preference for Thinking she may be thought to be rather cold and heartless and even considered unfeminine. The Feeling boy may be labelled a crybaby. The Thinking girl needs to accept her methodical way of looking at life as the way she is and to be aware of her Feeling side as well. The Feeling boy needs to be honoured for his warm nature and learn how to make rational decisions.
The fourth dimension of behaviour looks at the Judging-Perceiving preferences. Does the child seem to be very organized and feel more secure if there is a set routine to each day? This Judging child may get quite out of sorts when the routine is upset and the family goes off for a fun day at the beach. The Perceiving child may be more adaptable and willing to go along with whatever adventure shows up. However, her room may always be in chaos, she may dawdle along and rarely be on time. She seems to march to her own drummer.
In the next few issues we will look at how Psychological Type can explain some of the differences in children’s behaviour and offer some suggestion for helping your children get along better in the family and in the outer world. No one parenting theory I have come across has all the answers. Some behaviour problems have medical or emotional components that better parenting skills will not solve. But I feel that Psychological Type can explain many of the day-to-day issues that occur between parents and children.