Jane stood before her husband in a new dress she had just purchased for an upcoming dance. “Well, do you like it?” she asked. This is the question most men dread because from past experience they know that no matter what they say, they’re doomed.
Her husband, Paul, thinks it looks dreadful. So he says, “Now don’t take this personally, but I think the colours clash with your hair.” He hoped that this would be a fairly innocuous statement.
“You never like anything I buy. I try so hard to please you,” sobs Jane as she storms out of the room.
Jane likely has a preference for Feeling. She makes most of her decisions based on her values and how she feels about the situation. Paul likely has a preference for Thinking. He makes most of his decision based on a set of criteria. Both make decisions in a rational way, but Thinkers make decisions in a logical or objective way while Feelers make their decision in a subjective way.
A Feeler like Jane cannot not take Paul’s comment personally. She is mentally wired to respond in a Feeling way. Paul’s best response might be to do some Active Listening, “You really like that dress. You must have spent a long time choosing it.” Often what Feelers really want is to discuss the situation. They are not looking for a cut and dried answer. Thinkers tend to go right to the problem and offer a solution. The Feeler experiences this as being very cold and unfeeling.
But do all men and women act like this? This little scene fits into our stereotypes about men and women and how they interact. Men are supposed to be rational and the women are to be emotional. Well, some are and some aren’t. With the other preferences (Extraversion-Introversion, Sensing-Intuiting, Judging-Perceiving) there are an equal number of men and women for each. However, the Thinking-Feeling preferences are the only ones that have different percentages for men and women. 57% of men prefer Thinking while 76% of women prefer Feeling. Our culture fosters the belief that all men behave like this slim majority of tough-minded men. They are all supposed to be rational thinkers and don’t let their feeling interfere with their decisions. All women are expected to be the warm caring people that look after the emotional needs of the family.
Most of the differences between the way men and women react are based on their Thinking-Feeling preferences. They don’t really come from two different planets. It is just that there are two different ways of coming to a decision. If you are a Thinking man and a Feeling woman, you fit the cultural stereotype and while this often produces clashes as in the example above, people assume that is the way men and women are.
What about the 43% Feeling men, who as little boys are told that boys don’t cry and the 24% Thinking women,, who as little girls are reprimanded for being tomboys. They all have to fit into a world that doesn’t really accept them just as they are. How do we help people to be true to their unique personalities?
The Feeling man often gets labelled as feminine while the Thinking woman gets the reputation for being masculine. The man may be the one who is the stronger at nurturing while the woman may be the more practical.
For example, the children have been acting up and Martha wants to enforce the rule to put them to bed early with no television. Art pleads that they should make an exception because there is a children’s special on tonight. Will the tough-minded wife or the tender-hearted husband win this decision? Or will they spend the evening arguing while the children continue to act up?
Look at how you make decisions and notice the pattern you tend to follow. Sometimes the best decision is a balance between a hard line and a warm heart. This is important for couples who are both Thinkers or both Feelers. Two extreme Thinkers may tend to run their home like a military boot camp, while two extreme Feelers may be so into making everyone feel good that the hard decisions in life are avoided. Fortunately, none of us is totally one or the other, but we can get out of balance and this can cause a lot of family strife.
A good decision uses all four function: Sensing, Intuiting, Thinking and Feeling. We need Sensing to be sure we have all the facts. Our Intuition looks at all the possibilities. Thinking examines the consequences, and Feeling anticipates the effect the decision will have on everyone. With important decisions it is worth taking the time to formally identify all four aspects of a situation before committing yourself to a final plan of action. It could keep you out of a lot of trouble.